


GROOMZILLA! Or the Five Times Cooper Threw a Groomzilla Fit and the One Time Blaine Did

by Petalene



Category: Glee
Genre: Blaine/Cooper brotherly affection, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7032082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petalene/pseuds/Petalene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Cooper wants is for his little brother's wedding to be perfect even if he has to plan the whole thing himself, goddamnit. Fill for the GKM. http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/50716.html?thread=64510236#t64510236</p>
            </blockquote>





	GROOMZILLA! Or the Five Times Cooper Threw a Groomzilla Fit and the One Time Blaine Did

I don't own Glee. If you recognize it from somewhere else, I don't own it. Name for the florist is from Arrow because that is the best name for a flower shop ever.

 

GROOMZILLA! Or the Five Times Cooper Went Groomzilla For His Brother's Wedding and the One Time Blaine Did. 

"I trust you," Kurt whispered before kissing Blaine's cheek. "I know I've always said I wanted to plan my wedding down to the last detail, but with my new show, I just can't. Here." He gently placed the wedding binder he'd been adding to since kindergarten in Blaine's hands.

"I'll guard it with my life," Blaine assured him. 

Kurt's dream job singing on Broadway fell in his lap with the revival of The Rocky Horror Show. And while Cooper knew that Kurt wanted a magical wedding, the show must go on. "Perfect." Cooper snatched the binder out of Blaine's hands and immediately began to flip through it. "We have a lot of work to do. Let's go squirt."

"Don't call me squirt."

 

1\. The Venue and Officiant. 

Pamela Anderson beamed at her sons. "Oh Blaine darling, I spoke with Steven Miller and he's going to officiate your wedding."

"What?" Blaine said, looking frantically at Cooper. "Um...he's a minister, Mom."

"I know. You want the wedding to be official, so you need to be married by a minister. I have it all planned. We're going to hold the wedding at the Westerville Church of Christ."

Cooper waited for Blaine to speak up. After a minute or two of silence, Cooper concluded that Blaine wasn't going to take care of this. "Kurt's an atheist," Cooper said. "He doesn't believe in God and he doesn't want to get married in a church or by a minister."

Pamela's smile tightened. “My baby's getting married and he's doing it right. I’m paying for the venue and the officiant so that's that."

"No it's not!" Cooper's voice grew louder the longer he spoke. "No, no, no, no, and more no. They aren't getting married in some tacky church. I already arranged for them to get married at botanical garden and Kurt's dad is officiating," he lied. Whatever. He'd tell Burt to marry the boys and everyone would be smiles and happy. If Burt wanted to escort Kurt down the aisle, then he could just stay up at the front. And if the botanical garden wasn't available, he'd make something up about the change of venue. Perfect.

"I don't want to cause any troub-" Blaine started.

"Well I do." Cooper pointed at his mom. "You and dad weren't supportive when Blaine came out. And you certainly aren't supportive of him wanting a career performing. So you'll be supportive now and not plan a wedding that will leave your son's fiancé horrified."

"And if I decide not to pay for anything?" Pamela asked, narrowing her eyes.

“As the best man, I say we can hold the wedding in a park for free and you and dad can piss off."

"Cooper!" Blaine yelled.

Cooper glared at Blaine. "You need to prioritize, squirt, make mom happy or make Kurt happy. If you need to think about it, then either you tell Kurt the wedding's off now or he'll tell you that when you inform him that you expect an atheist to get married in a fucking church."

Armes crossed, Cooper glared at his mom and Blaine in turn. It was clear that if this wedding was to happen, someone needed to put his foot down and that someone was him.

 

2 - The Flowers

A heavenly scent and the ding of a bell greeted Cooper when he opened the door to Sherwood Florist. Ohh, the girl behind the counter was C. U. T. E. A sideways glance at Blaine confirmed that now was not the time to practice his accents or attempt to pick up girls.

"Hi," Cooper said, smiling brightly and putting his hand out, "I'm Cooper and we need flowers for a wedding. 

The girl shook his hand. "I'm Sherry. When's the big day?" She shook Blaines hand.

"Three months on-" Blaine started

"The last Saturday in June," Cooper finished. He opened the wedding binder and flipped to the section about flowers. "I need two boy bouquets, three brides maids bouquets, buttoners for three groomsmen, and four mom and dad of the groom buttoners. Center pieces for ten tables and the head table and small bouquets to go on the back of twenty chairs."

Blaine blinked. “What’s a boy bouquet?"

"Exactly what it sounds like - a bouquet of flowers for the groom. Since it's two grooms and no bride, we need some color." He pointed to the binder. "Trust me."

With a shrug, Blaine said, "I guess."

Cooper leaned on the counter. "Soooo, what kind of boy bouquets do you have?"

"Let me show you some pictures. What kind of flowers do you like?"

"Star gazer lilies," Blaine said immediately.

Cooper waved his hand dismissively. "Those are for a funeral. Don't listen to him. We want roses. Something multi-colored, like Jacob's coat."

"Since when do you know anything about flowers?" Blaine asked.

"Since I started dating. You have to get something pretty and appropriate to impress or apologize." Cooper winked at Sherry.

"Let's take a look at these." Sherry set a large binder on the counter.

"No, no, no." Cooper flipped through the pages. "These are for girls. I want boy bouquets," Cooper said, raising his voice. 

"Fashion knows no gender and I'm pretty sure if applies to flowers as well." Blaine placed a hand on Cooper's arm. 

Cooper shrugged it off. "It needs to be perfect. Thus we need *boy* bouquets."

"Shouldn't I get a say?"

"No. You want funeral flowers."

"I'm one of the grooms," Blaine said.

"Whatever. Hey, can we get some of those rainbow roses, but paler? They're colorful and that'll work with the whole gay wedding thing."

"It's not a gay wedding," Blaine insisted. "It's just a wedding."

"Do you two need a moment to discuss what you'd like for your special day?" Sherry asked.

Cooper shook his head. "No. Ignore him. Seriously. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. We want pale rainbow roses at the focus flower with cream colored rose buds for the accent flower. And that's going to be for everything we're getting."

Sherry's eyes darted back and forth between the two of them. "Just so you know, that'll cost extra, the rainbow roses are special order."

"Did I ask about the cost?" Cooper demanded.

"Uh, no. Sorry, sir."

"My parents are paying for it and they won't care after I yell enough to get what we want." 

Blaine snorted. "What we want. Right."

 

3 - The cake 

"It sucks that Kurt couldn't make it," Blaine said as they walked into the bakery and were greeted by the aroma of baked goods wafting in the air. 

"Pftttt. He's no fun to shop with."

"I like clothes shopping with him."

"Yea, that's because you can sneak into the dressing room with him and make out. Which is silly because you can make out in your own bed." Cooper gave Blaine a look.

Blaine dropped his eyes and blushed.

Cooper hit the bell on the counter. A moment later, a tall boy wearing a shirt with the bakery's logo and a name tag reading "Tyler" entered from the back room. 

Tyler's eyes dilated as he glanced up and down Cooper's body. "Hi, what brings you two gentlemen in today?"

"We are tasting cake for the Anderson-Hummel wedding," Cooper said. 

"Great, let me get out the samples." Tyler went in the back and returned with a tray of bit sized pieces of cake. 

"Which one is the vegan cake?" Blaine asked.

"Here." Tyler pointed at two pieces of light brown cake with cream colored frosting. 

Cooper picked one up and popped it in his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, immediately regretting the action. "Oh my god, it tastes like paper."

Blaine sampled the cake. "It's not that bad. Even if it is, the best woman is a vegan. We can do vegan for the smallest layer."

"No way in hell are we making anyone else eat that." Cooper glanced up at Tyler. "No offense." If Rachel, or whatever her name was, wanted to give up eating food with flavor, more power to her, but there was no reason to force it on anyone else.

"Why don't you try some of the other cakes and we'll start with that?" Tyler said.

"Okay," said Blaine.

Cooper tried a nibble of all the flavors, not wanting to risk a mouthful if something else didn't taste good. He then ate more of the ones that tasted the best. The pink champagne cake melted in his mouth. If food could cause an orgasm, this might be the thing to do it. The lemon was his second choice until he tried the red velvet. 

Blaine ate slowly, a thoughtful expression on his face as he tried each piece. "The almond is good," he said after finishing his second piece.

"Mm hm. We want a three layer cake. Pink champagne with butter cream frosting on the bottom and for the top layer. In the middle, we want red velvet with cream cheese frosting."

"Vegan on the top," Blaine said. 

Cooper resisted the urge to grind his teeth. "The top layer is the one you take home, save, and eat on your one year anniversary. It'll probably taste like cardboard after being in the freezer for a year, but at least there's hope if it doesn't start off as tasting like cardboard."

"Fine, then vegan for the middle layer."

"No," Cooper said flatly. "I'll drag you out of here and come back by myself. A vegan layer ain't gonna happen. I'm immune to your puppy dog eyes so don't bother."

"We could make a small vegan cake a little larger than a cupcake," Tyler said. "Then you'd have something for everyone without having to worry about who's going to have to eat what. I can even cut it so it looks like part of the bigger cake. If you're discrete, I best she won't know unless you tell her. "

Cooper turned a sunny smile on Tyler. "Finally! Someone with some sense. Aren't you brilliant?"

Tyler preened under the praise. "I'll get this order written up."

Blaine crossed his arms and pouted. He opened his mouth, probably to start another pointless argument, when his phone rang. The heart eyes when Blaine glanced at the screen let Cooper know that it was Kurt. "Back in a moment." Blaine walked outside to take the call. 

"You have your hands full with that one," Tyler said.

"Don't I know it." Cooper pushed his mom's card over to to pay to the cake.

Tyler printed the receipt and handed it and the credit card to Cooper. "I put my number on the bottom. If you want some help getting him to relax, let me know. I'll definitely like to see both of you again." Tyler winked.

Cooper went outside, blinking at the bright sunlight. "Everything's set, squirt. And here's the receipt. Tyler put his number on the bottom."

"Why?"

"I think he wants to have a threesome with us. But I like lady bits, so if you and Kurt swing that way, give him a call, cuz he's cute."

Blaine's face went white. "Tyler thinks *we* are engaged?! We gotta go tell him we're brothers." He started to march back into the bakery.

What a drama queen. Cooper grabbed the back of his shirt. "He's hooking us up with a piece of vegan cake, so no making waves. Besides, it's a complement that he thinks you're hot enough to land me."

 

4 - The Bachelor Party

"I'm not having a bachelor party, Cooper," Blaine insisted. "Unless I can invite Kurt." 

Cooper rolled his eyes for the three hundred and twenty-seventh time in the last ten minutes. 

"Yes. You are. I'm throwing it and it's pointless to have a bachelor party without the groom."

"Then why can't Kurt come? He's getting married, too."

"Kurt is having a bachelorette party."

"He's not a girl," Blaine said flatly.

Cooper let out a long suffering sigh. "I know." He reached into his back pocket, pulled out the invitation, and thrust it at Blaine. 

It read KURT HUMMEL'S BACHELORETTE PARTY in rainbow glitter followed by the date, time and the address of a day spa along with Rachel and Mercedes listed as the hostesses. 

"If Kurt has a problem with any of this he can take it up with the wonder twins. If you have a problem with the bachelor party, you take it up with me"

"I have a problem with a bachelor party that doesn't involve Kurt. Besides you'll do something stupid like take me to a strip club and get me drunk."

"Listen up whiny smurf,” Cooper said, ignoring Blaine's growl. "You are going. With a smile on your face even if I have to draw it on with a permeant marker. And don't think I won't. I'm helping host this shindig. You stand me up and I'll tell the florist you want bright orange and purple flowers."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me. Then I'll tell the baker you want a three layer vegan cake."

"You're an asshole," Blaine said.

"I'm doing this for your own good." Cooper pulled the second invitation out of his pocket and handed it to Blaine. 

This one said Blaine's Bachelor Party! In cartoonish lettering and listed the same date and time as Kurt's party. The hosts were Cooper Anderson best man extraordinaire and Burt Hummel super amazing father-in-law.

Cooper's smile showed as many teeth as he could. "Burt Hummel is my co-host. I'm not getting you drunk at a strip club with your father-in-law. Gross. Besides most of your friends want to look at mostly naked men about as much as you want to look at mostly naked women. We are however going mini-golfing and doing the bating cages.”

Cooper didn’t add that he planned to knock some sense into Blaine when they road the bumper cars.

 

5 - the favors

Cooper looked around the wedding boutique that was *the* place for decorations and favors. Everything screamed cheesey from the pale pink walls with hearts decorating the spaces between the shelves to the low lighting that was probably supposed to be romantic, but made everything appear dingy. 

"This is kind of cute," Blaine said, holding up a small metal tin inscribed with the words "Mint to be together!" across the top.

"In what reality do you think Kurt is going to want to give your guests mints for favors?"

Blaine shrugged. 

The other examples on the same shelf consisted of match boxes "We're the perfect match!" Um, no one smokes. Puzzle pieces that said "My missing piece." What would you do with a wooden puzzle piece? Maybe if it were a magnet. Maybe. Bags for candy that said "Hugs and kisses from the new Mr. and Mrs.” And what about same sex couples? Well, lesbians could still use them if they changed it to Mrs. and Mrs. 

A perky sales girl walked over. She smiled cheerfully as her gaze traveled between the two of them. 

"What can I help you with today?" she asked.

"We need some wedding favors for the event of the century. And they must be useful," Cooper added.

"We have so many wonderful options. Does the bride have a particular type in mind?" she asked.

"The bride is right here and the groom is performing on Broadway."

"Hey! I'm not a girl." Blaine crossed his arms and glared. 

It might have been intimidating if he'd been taller. And didn't look like a kicked puppy.

Cooper snorted. "Kurt's not the girl. He'd rock a wedding dress if he put his mind to it, but it's obvious to everyone who ever met either of you that Kurt's in charge." Leaning closer, Cooper whispered, "and you like it."

Pink flushed across Blaine's cheeks. "I'm gay, you moron. That means no girl."

"Whatever." Cooper turn his million watt smile on the girl. "Where are your non-tacky wedding favors?"

"All are wedding favors are right here." She gestured to the display they were already looking at. 

“Stop bing rude,” Blaine hissed. 

“These are all stupid.” Cooper picked up a plastic…something. “What is this even supposed to be?” 

“It’s a clam shell,” the woman said, “to put candies in.”

Cooper opened his mouth to ask why in the name of fuck you would give guests a clam shell full of candies. 

Blaine grabbed Cooper’s arm and pulled. “I need to have a discussion with my brother about manners. We might be back later.” 

“Hey,” Cooper protested. “We need to pick the favors.”

“No we need some coffee,” Blaine said. And then under his breath, “And if you’re lucky, I won’t dump your’s over your head.” He continued to drag Cooper until they were outside the store. 

Inspiration struck. “Coffee!” Cooper yelled. “We need coffee!” 

“You don’t need any caffeine.”

“No. For the favors. We’ll get little bags of coffee and put your names and the date on it. It’s useful and you two went on a million and a half coffee dates. What was the name of the coffee shop you lived in during high school?”

“The Lima Bean.”

“And we’ll get the coffee from there. Aren’t you glad I’m in charge?” Cooper asked. 

Cooper knew he totally was, even if Blaine huffed and stopped off. 

 

+1 - The music

"What are you working on?" Blaine asked.

Cooper sat at the desk, several piles of invitations placed strategically about. ”I’m going over the music. Most of your friends and family wanted to sing."

"That's so sweet.” Blaine paused. “Wait. What do you mean *wanted* to sing?"

Cooper snorted. "Your friends are crazy so I made them list what they want to sing on the invitation response after they picked chicken, beef or vegan. Now I'm reviewing my notes and writing up the song list."

"Who said you get to write up the song list?”

“I did."

"Are you out of your mind?" Blaine asked.

“Listen-“

“No you listen,” Blaine cut him off. “I’m sick of this shit. I am the groom and if I want my friends to sing at my wedding, then I will have my friends sing at my goddam wedding. You aren’t the one getting married, so stay out of it!” Blaine waved his arms around, probably trying to indicate his disapproval, but mostly he looked like he was trying to shake water off his hands. 

Cooper rolled his eyes.

“My friends can sing whatever they want,” Blaine yelled. “I’ll tell them and the DJ that anyone can sing anything. It’s a wedding and it’s supposed to be fun!”

“Are you done yet?” Cooper asked. “Because Brittany is insisting on singing 'Never Getting Back Together' to make sure Kurt knows it's over between them. Sebastian wants to sing 'Closer' by Nine Inch Nails. And Santana wrote a song called 'The Gayest Gays in the Whole Gay World.' Do you want me to keep going?"

When Blaine didn't protest, Cooper continued. "Rachel had a six page list of songs she planned to sing. Six pages!"

"So...?" Blaine asked hesitantly.

"Sue gets to sing whatever the hell she wants. Bitches be crazy and she's one crazy bitch. Your ex-Warbler buddies want to do When I Get You Alone with you singing lead because this time, apparently, you're getting the right guy alone. Rachel gets to sing three songs because she's a bigger drama queen than you and Kurt put together. And you are going to sing a Katy Perry song to Kurt."

"Which one?"

"Black Widow."

"What?!" Blaine yelped.

"Katy Perry wrote it."

Blaine glared. "That's not an appropriate song."

"I know. That's why you're switching to Never Gonna Give You Up part way though," Cooper said with a smile.

"I'm not Rick Rolling my husband at our wedding!" Blaine shrieked.

"Jeez, take a deep breath. I'm kidding. You and Kurt are going to sing Come What May while making heart eyes at each other and everyone goes "Awwww."

Blaine paused. "That's...actually perfect."

"No shit, Sherlock. I told you, that's why I'm planning the wedding. So everything is perfect."

 

(And because I'm pretty sure he'd throw a fit about something....)

 

+2 Kurt’s groomzilla fit

"You look amazing, Blaine. Kurt isn't going to know what hit him." Cooper beamed at Blaine. Despite Blaine being obnoxious about all his wonderful ideas, they had survived and today was The Day.

Blaine turned, admiring his tux in the mirror from several angles. 

Cooper's phone buzzed with an incoming text.

From Rachel: We may need to start late. Kurt's freaking out about his hair.

Oh hell no. They still had an hour before magic time. Everything was perfect and they weren't starting late because of Kurt's hair.

"What's the matter?" Blaine asked.

"Nothing," Cooper said in a too cheerful voice. "I need your help real quick."

"Um...okay...but aren't you supposed to be helping me?" 

"I am squirt." Cooper grabbed Blaine's arm and dragged him towards Kurt's room. He didn’t bother knocking. Even if Kurt wasn't dressed, it wasn't like Blaine hadn't seen him naked before.

Kurt's eyes went wide and then closed as he shrieked when Cooper and Blaine came barreling through the door. 

"I can't see Kurt before the ceremony! It's bad luck." Blaine clapped his hand over his eyes. Holding his other one in front of him like he was going to run into the wall. Cooper could tell he was peaking and that the outstretched hand was for show.

"No," Kurt said. "It's bad luck to see me with my hair a hot mess. This will be the most photographed day of my life and I'm not going out there until I'm good and ready."

"No, it's bad luck if one of the grooms won't go on because of hair issues," Cooper said.

"I'm not leaving this room until I look perfect. If we have to reschedule, so be it." Kurt crossed his arms and glared at Cooper.

Cooper could tell Kurt was actually looking at Blaine out of the corner of his eye.

Enough of this nonsense. Cooper smiled his most dazzling smile. And it didn't work on Kurt. What the heck? That worked on everyone. Time to switch tactics. "Blaine you have three choices - tell Kurt his hair is fine so he'll stop freaking out, help him fix it so he'll stop freaking out, or you can blow him so he'll stop freaking out. Rachel and I are leaving and I don't want to know what you pick. We *are* starting on time."

"They can't have sex right before the wedding," Rachel protested.

"Sure they can," Cooper said. "But I'm coming back here in forty minutes and I will be escorting you to the ceremony. Even if you have sex hair and you're both naked." Cooper pushed Rachel to get her moving and he shooed here out the door and into the hallway. 

Blaine’s hands dropped and he gaped at Cooper.

"If you try and lock me out, I'll kick the door open. I played a cop in a movie and I know how to do it." Cooper slammed the door shut.

"Is it really going to hurt anything if the ceremony starts late?" Rachel asked.

"No," Cooper said. "But since you have three songs and everyone else has one, if we have to shorten the reception, the polite thing to do is start by cutting you down to one."

Rachel turned, the skirt of her dress flaring as she spun, and opened the door. Kurt and Blaine still stood frozen in place, mouthes hanging open. "I don't normally advocate violence," Rachel said sweetly, "but if you aren't ready to go when we get back, so help me I'll drag you both out by the ears. Bye!" Rachel wiggled her fingers.

"Better get a move on, gentlemen," Cooper said. "You're down to thirty eight minutes." He slammed the door again and set the timer on his phone for thirty seven minutes.

(And everything was totally perfect for the wedding, thanks to Cooper! Even if Kurt's hair wasn't quite a coiffed as one might have expected and Blaine's lips were slightly redder than normal during the ceremony.)


End file.
